To Lick and To Chew: My 5-Step Plan To Consuming OREO© Double Stuf Chocolate Sandwich Cookies

[by Jeffrey | Feb 5th, 2024]

Double Stuf Oreos. Curious little guys. Hundreds of them in there, all packaged up, just waiting for a free train ride to my succulent and longing mouth. My wet tongue slobbering all over the crunchy and soft delights.

Humbled Orulio readers: this is Jeffrey speaking. I am now going to do what is referred in both journalism and the arts as “social suicide.” It is so, for I am about to reveal my alternating system for consuming OREO© Double Stuf Chocolate Sandwich Cookies. I watch the dim lights of success pass my eye on the highway—I travel from town to town, city to city. I share my knowledge on speaking tours, press junkets, and my many other lectures that can be heard from Spain to Siam. One question persists throughout these speeches—it is the one thing that I have forever sworn to keep closest to my heart. Which way is the proper way to eat OREO© Double Stuf Chocolate Sandwich Cookies?

Any food-nut worth his onions will immediately conjure a vast menagerie of ways to eat the little brown circles, and if they halt their brains on one specific way, I am afraid they have foolishly followed the imperialist American narrative that we must decide a singular territory rather than acknowledging all things in a sense of togetherness. Yes, my five-cookie system has been established in my mouth since 1993, and I am both prepared and excited to finally share this groundbreaking eating system with the world.

1. The Standard Chew

The first cookie you will consume will be, as it is lovingly referred by O-heads, the “Standard Chew.” This will be your inaugural journey into your new bag of OREO© Double Stuf Chocolate Sandwich Cookies. You’re in the exploratory phase—eager to plunge further into the many delights the treat has to offer but still virginal and timid.

You will begin by taking the OREO© cookie exactly as is out of the package and inserting it directly into your mouth. This is the simplest and most politically neutral way to consume an OREO© Double Stuf Chocolate Sandwich Cookie. Soon we will explore more radical ways to approach the notion, but for now, simply take one cookie out and eat it without altering its attributes in any way. Congratulations, you have completed step one.

A reasonable facsimile of what your standard chew might look like. This is an artist rendering of course, the cream color is a bit too smooth and textureless to be a true-to-life Standard Chew, standard though they are. No, I reckon someone was paid a fair sum of money (although, let’s be honest with ourselves, I’m sure he was underpaid—perhaps he was paid in Oreos) to use his computer expertise to fashion this quite handsome image of what two standard Double Stuf OREO cookies may look like. Well done, intern!

2. The Topless Burdle

Established years before I came from my mother’s vagina was what is now referred to as the “Topless Burdle.” This is, essentially, once you’ve approached the package with a newfound sense of bravery. This is your package, your domain. You will explore the cookies in new and exciting ways. You’ve taken charge of your first cookie, you’ve inserted it into your mouth completely untouched. It is now time to see what these cookies are made of.

What are these cookies made of? Delectable white filling. That’s right, for this step—your second foray into the packaging, you will take your second cookie and remove its top layer. As any self-respecting OREO© explorer will have observed, the OREO© isn’t so much a cookie as it is an experience. In truth, it is two cookies with a white creamy middle smashed between the chocolate rock and the chocolate hard place. In this step you will remove the chocolate rock but leave the chocolate hard place in tact, thereby creating a new style of OREO© Cookie that is white cream atop one chocolate wafer. You will eat the extra wafer, then eat the cookie, again, without much exploration. Simply eat the white-topped version of the OREO© Cookie that you have just created. Thus concludes step two.

Imagery of the Topless Burdle. I would gravitate more towards the image on the left for an accurate portrayal of the eating strategy, though the second image is a rather unflattering image of the same concept. It is so, I’m afraid, that OREO’s cookies aren’t what they used to be, and that, indeed, the fillings have shrunk and the price has done anything but. I don’t like it, but what can I do?

3. The Moist Holdover

It is at this stage that you can no longer call yourself an OREO© novice: you have become a sash-wearing, badge-earning OREO© adventurer. You have taken your first bite of the raw cookie, you have removed its top layer and eaten the cookie with a different perspective, but now you will use my teachings to give your mouth a new and challenging sensation: you will now approach the “Moist Holdover.”

This begins very similarly as the Topless Burdle, for you will take charge of the cookie once again and forego its top wafer, leaving the white cream bare to the elements. It is now, and only now, that you will eject your wet tongue from the recesses of your cavernous and, dare I say, moist mouth-hole and lick every inch of the white cream off of the second wafer. What you will be left with is a wet wafer, baring the ruins of a fallen creamy civilization on its roof. Get ready for a moist and creamy crunch, for after licking the cream off the wafer, you must eat the wafer without its snowy hair. This is often the most challenging step for OREO© newbies still trying to master the fundamentals of the mysterious round beast. But once you have licked that wafer clean and thrown it down your gullet, you have become a master of the OREO© Double Stuf Chocolate Sandwich Cookie. Be prepared, though, as to become an expert, you must go places you’ve never gone before.

In fairness, this is essentially a repeat image of the Topless Burdle, but I suppose there is no one perverted enough to post any imagery of their wet cookie after having licked the white cream from its crust. I don’t approve of uploading such imagery myself, but it would be useful as a scientific measure to be able to fully explain the third step’s practical usage and conclusion. So yes, this is the Topless Burdle again, but think of it as the Burdle from a different perspective, one where a tongue is vaguely imminent: preparing to lick the top layer of cream off and create a Moist Holdover.

4 and 5. The Joining of the Clans

You may be shocked to see that both Step 4 and Step 5 are one and the same, and you would be right in feeling intimidated by the corrupt pairing, but your fourth and fifth cookie, divided though they may initially be, will be enjoyed in unison.

Can I compel you for a brief moment? Allow me to explain the “Joining of the Clans” to the first-time Double-Double Stufer. Simply take the fourth cookie out of the package and remove its top wafer. Consume the wafer. Now, without consuming or even allowing a cautionary lick of the rest of the cookie, approach the fifth cookie. You will now remove the fifth cookie’s top wafer and consume it all the same. It is now time, my friends, to take the remnants of the fourth and fifth cookies, aim their white cream at each other, and push the two together.

If you pull the feat off as intended, what will become of these delights will be a monstrous cookie double in stature, a Double-Double Stuf Cookie. OREO© has now begun selling this separately as “The Most Stuf,” though with none of the construction necessary to enjoy the splendors of your own creativity. It is also so that the concept of the Double-Double Stuf Cookie originated from my brain and that their gross repackaging of my ideas will lead in a long and vicious lawsuit that I intend to win. Nonetheless, you will now consume the full chalky and borderline evil cookie, which is truly two cookies pushed together to make a beautiful beast.

Once you’ve completed the Joining of the Clans, you will begin again from step one, as the dizzying heights of the large beast will leave you humbled, prepared to start again with a new understanding of what it means to chew.

An image of the oft-feared and much-respected Joining of the Clans. Now almost maliciously repackaged and sold as “The Most Stuf,” it is assuredly the exact concept I have been doing for decades. They simply lifted the idea, marketed it to their brain-dead audience, and collected the profits. It is for this that I do intend to sue. I found this image of the creation online, as posted by a man unclean.

The cycle repeats endlessly. You can continue to eat the OREO© Double Stuf Chocolate Sandwich Cookies in the 5-step order for as long as you possibly can. Until you’re full, until the bag is complete, the possibilities are a bottomless void of dark wafer and white cream. Thank you for taking this journey with me, and for understanding that OREO© Cookies are beyond the casual consumption while you fill your brain with mindless propaganda, but a journey from one end of the culinary spectrum to the next, with vivid understanding of where you’ve come, and where you will go.