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Disney Announces Controversial New Theme Park

[by Jeffrey | Mar 29th, 2021]

On the night of March 28th, 2021, the official Walt Disney World Twitter confirmed, and then subsequently deleted, plans for the construction of a new theme park in Orlando, Florida. This morning, a spokesperson for Walt Disney World addressed and expounded on the statement the night before, both giving a detailed explanation on the new plans and confusing reporters and theme park fans alike with their interest in a relatively obscure IP that surely won’t bring in much revenue.

“We took a lot of inspiration from the newly unveiled Super Nintendo World,” executive non-affiliate Blesh Howard said to the press. “We liked the idea of having a points system when you entered, and we worked backwards from there. It’s not going to be fully constructed any time soon, but I think we have a great foundation to build upon.”

This new theme park, called “The Wonderous House of Animals,” is set to open in late 2024, but a spokesperson this morning was eager to share what we can expect from the new theme park, starting with its name.

“It’s called ‘The Wonderous House of Animals,'” he said in a statement, “which I think is a fun, cute name. It’s based around the urban legends, mixed-media art, and, of course, the music of Soundass. We made a very conscious decision early on to avoid calling the park ‘Soundass Land’ or something similar as we believe it goes against Disney’s values.”

Despite the band Soundass not being specifically in relation to animals, we were assured that the theme park would be “fun, safe, and accurate.” There was then a walk-through of the different plans for The Wonderous House of Animals. You enter the park through the titular house, a wacky, maze-like building filled with all sorts of animatronic animals. “All we can confirm thus far is that there will be an elephant, a giraffe, an area with fishes, some big exotic birds, and a buffalo. We’re trying to obtain the rights to have a Crazy Frog animatronic, since that would be more accurate to the source material.”

The album art that the house will be taking inspiration from.

“Once you leave the house,” Blesh continues, “there will be a seemingly limitless amount of activities, games, rides, and full-scale replicas of Soundass-related characters and places–starting with Rare Groove.” Rare Groove, which is what Blesh describes as an “exotic island filled with eggs” will feature not only animatronic egg-people that talk, but also photo opportunities with various eggs that appear on Soundass album covers and in the official Soundass tell-all book Eggsploitation: The Soundass Story. The park will contain many animatronics and wax figures from the New Orleans Musée Conti Historical Wax Museum and Klein Dedderman’s Animatronic Superstore.

One growing concern regarding the theme park is Soundass’ relevance in the public eye. Being a modestly obscure IP, the acquisition was cheap but likely will not return much revenue. Another spokesperson confirmed that while the park is a huge risk, “once people see it, they’ll be more than satisfied, and wish to return again and again.”

Other things confirmed by two spokespersons and Blesh Howard are as follows: live stage shows featuring Closet-Man, Noel Nubley, an interactive “mad scientist” show, a VR plane ride hosted by Soundass’ Flora McFauna, a “chase through New York City” ride, free vouchers for Soundass Night School courses, Soundass characters wandering the park for photo opportunities, original Soundass food and drink with an emphasis on their “American Wet” ginger ale beverage, a tunnel-of-love type ride where you ride on the back of the “Goose of York,” and much, much more.

If I’m telling the truth, I’m not fully on board with this new theme park idea and find the entire thing a little frustrating. This space could’ve been used for an IP people know and care about, such as Avatar, Point Break, or Paddington. I will still begrudgingly visit the park, but find most of the teased rides and plans to be mostly underwhelming as someone not very familiar with Soundass.

On the subject, an official statement was given by Soundass spokesperson Warren “Gut” Duderola: “We here at Soundass Media Solutions and Multimedia Holdings could not be happier about this recent Disney IP acquisition, as it will lead to, ultimately, the greatest Soundass installation in the world: The Wonderous House of Animals. We have worked tirelessly with the people at Disney to ensure that the park is not only safe and friendly, but also an entirely accurate and fun depiction of our history. And, who knows, maybe some Soundass characters will slowly be added to the MCU! One thing at a time! Thank you all, and we hope to see you at The Wonderous House of Animals as soon as it opens!”

Nevertheless, it will be interesting to see how the public responds to this bizarre decision from Disney. You can find out more about Soundass on their official website Soundass.Live and in their official memoir releasing this year entitled Eggsploitation: The Soundass Story. Be on the lookout for the grand unveiling sometime in 2024.